A Call From A Broken Heart

For the great majority of my life I have been extremely self centered, selfish, self absorbed, judgmental, hypocritical, and perhaps the most damaging of all oblivious. Taking on these traits with the help of others as well as trying to delve deeper into my faith I have tackled each one and they have been painful but the last one is the one that is breaking my heart.

I am realizing that the church in America is imploding it seems. For so long I blamed the “older Christians” for being judgmental, condemning, harsh, and unforgiving and they were the problem with Christianity. They were the reason people didn't want to come to Christ. They were the black mark on the faith. As I have gotten a bit older I am realizing that yes the older generation definitely has issues that they need to work on but the younger generation has just as many issues.

Romans 6:1-2

What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it?

I grew up in a place where this was really truly understood. Over seas when someone becomes a Christian their life drastically changes. People are persecuted and their families shun them because they out of faith give up deadly practices like rampant alcoholism. These people make a defining change and sacrifice for the truth.

Yet in America, especially amongst my generation it seems, oh so many of us fight tooth and nail to not have to give up anything. I struggle with this so much. In the last two years I have done things that have shamed God's name and have put people off of Christianity. My mentality for so much was that I was forgiven no matter what I did, so there. I have the grace of God on my side so I can do whatever I want and it will all be hunky dory. WRONG! The whole “well its a good thing Jesus loves me so much He'll forgive me for this,” trite attitude just blows my mind even though I walked in it myself. If a spouse continuously, knowingly, and intentionally cheats and the other continuously forgives them, will there ever be any kind of solid relationship there unless the cheating stops? Just because there is forgiveness time and time and time again, doesn't guarantee a solid relationship. And I feel that my generation of Christians have adapted this mentality that forgiveness is there so it doesn't matter how much like the world I act Monday through Saturday. It is so sad because people see this hypocrisy, roll their eyes and not only walk away from us as people but from Christ as the salvation they so desperately need.

Romans 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

This goes hand in hand with what I wrote above. So many Christians in America don't want to be transformed it seems. We are perfectly content to label ourselves Christians, call on the salvation that is promised with that, and then not change a thing about out lives. We want to use the language that we want to use. We want to drink copiously and behave however we want. We want to dress however the mood strikes and then we get ticked off when someone else in the faith challenges us on it. These are all issues that I have struggled so much with in the past so I feel comfortable using them as examples. And I have finally had to look into my own heart and ask why? Why am I so fixed on all this crap that does nothing to farther my faith in Christ to a sick and dying world? My answer hit me like a ton of bricks, I'm not really all that interested in stretching out my “faith arms” and touching others out there. Sure I will debate with other Christians till my face turns blue about all sorts of issues, but I am too selfish to make the changes that will make people stop and say, “I want to know what she has because I want that too.” That my friends is the light of Christ. When people observe us at work, in the parking lot, in a restaurant, in the park with our children or friends, that is when they see what Christ really means. And sadly most of the time they see us acting just as selfishly, rudely, inappropriately, and self righteously as the person who doesn't claim to have a life altering faith. So why should they change and give up a whole day to go to church when they lead their lives oh so very similarly to us?

Or faith can't be about us any more, dear brothers and sisters. It's whole purpose can't be about what Christ will and wont forgive me for. It can't be about being right and beating others over the head with X, Y and Z. Our faith can't be about being holier than the next person either. It can't be about the whole list of amazing sinless things I do so I have the right to correct everyone around me. NO! Our faith was never supposed to be souly about us! Ever! We must improve our relationship with a God who shouldn't love us but does. It is imperative that we grab hold of our faith and ask God to make it real to us.To further out faith within us so that we can try and understand the grace the has already been miraculously bestowed upon us. But that friends, is where our faith being about us ends. The rest of our energy has to be delegated outwards not inwards. We must be willing to do as Christ did instead of standing around jabbering about deep theological stuff and then never acting on it. We must be doers of the word not just, “oh I'll stick it in this drawer and talk about it with my friends when I feel like it.”

My friend stated on Facebook that, "We definitely need grace in our own lives that Christ gives, and we need to offer it to others. If you do not recognize fully what you have been given and who you are then you have nothing to give others." And with that I totally agree. We must dig deep and understand the grace and mercy that covers us on a daily basis so we can share that but we can't use the depth of that abounding grace as a crutch or an allowance to just shrug off the responsibility God has called us to in being Christians. 

Its time to stop being the imploding mess that so many people shy away from and start being the body that Christ intended. Its time to challenge one another in Godliness without demanding to be right. Its time to not yell at the people in the parking lot because they are being freaking idiots. Its time to stop dancing and dressing like all we are is a piece of Thursday night meat. Its time to stop dating around and pushing lines with every girl/guy just because you can. Its time to bless others even if its not convenient, easy, or fun. Its time to worship God on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Its time to start praying for real and thinking of others more than we think of ourselves. Its time to stand up and take the gift that Christ bestowed on us and share its amazing light with the world instead of dragging it through the mud to the point that no one wants to touch it.

Its time for me to be a doer instead of just a talker. Who's with me?

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Sex

Lets Talk about that....

In the 1960's a tornado of change ripped through our nation with slogans such as Free Love. The root of this idea was to free women from their confined roles as mothers and house wives so they could peruse other options if they pleased as well as use their bodies in a fashion they saw fit. However from those roots the sexual revolution of the 60's nursed a whole mess of growths that ended with massive orgies, sex in public, and having sex with anyone and everyone. It brought forth the idea of sex without commitment of any kind and that that was actually ok even preferred. The 60's encouraged men to stop stepping up to the plate as men had been expected to, but instead it urged them to get a girl naked, have a night of "making love" then take their leave and move on to their next partner. The 60's encouraged women to no longer treat their bodies as something to be prized and earned by a man but something to throw at men walking by on the street, and to toss them into bed with any willing man with working parts. This was all in the name of giving women their freedom from the oppression of a patriarchal society that had women in a box and wouldn't let them breath.

I agree that women were shut down and choked into submission by society as a whole and that did need to change. Women have proven that they can be assets in the business world, they have the mind and drive to compete in the entrepreneurial field, and they have proven they are up for a turn at the legal and political table. But that is where any support I might express for the revolution of the 60's ends.

There might be people out there wondering what got my knickers in a twist about this whole subject. Well I'll tell you. Yesterday we went to Steven's Grandparent's 50th anniversary and I was just blessed to talk to so many couples that had spent 40, 50 even 60 years together. These couples admitted that marriage wasn't always pretty and that they had thought about quitting a time or two but in the end they were so glad they had stuck it out. Amazing. Then today Steven and I watched Think Like A Man in the afternoon. I actually love that movie because it makes so many good points about modern day relationships. I laughed and so did Steven but about 70% of the way through the movie something started to eat at me a little.

I'll set up the scene for you a tad. The movie revolves around a book that helps women understand men and helps them with their relationship issues. So five women start to take its advice and challenge their men to face their issues. One woman has the problem of sleeping with men (and it is spelled out that that is the expected norm) and then having them ditch out on her after. She employs the "90 day rule" that the book suggests to show that she has standards and she is more than just a "sports fish". She wants to prove that she is girlfriend material, "a keeper". She refuses to get into the car if the guy doesn't open the door for her and she doesn't invite him in for more than just coffee.

The guy over and over again talks to his buddies how he just wants to get some and get out. he doesn't want to have a relationship, especially not one without sex! so he turns the game on her after he and his buddies find out about this "game plan" book. He calls her his girlfriend then he tells her he loves her and that cracks her and she gives up "the cookie". she sleeps with him...then she finds the book in his room and sees what he underlined then this is part of the conversation that ensues...

Boy: So I'm the villain, and you didn't even have the guts to tell me that I was on a 90-day probation.

Girl: I was gonna tell you. Boy: Were you gonna tell me?

Girl: Yes, I was gonna tell you. But then, I thought I might amend it. 'Cause I thought you might actually be the one. So, was any of it real? Any of it? The wining, the dining? Calling me your girlfriend? Or was that all just to get the cookie?

Boy just looks at her with no response

Girl: Wow. You win, congratulations. You got it, right? You won.

What's my point? The fact that what he did in this movie is totally normal and even expected in today's day and age. The 60's encouraged men to be this way and now women encourage them to act this way still. But why? Why do women think its empowering to encourage men to objectify them in clubs and bars? Why do women claim that showing off their bodies is simply what makes them comfortable and nothing more? Why do women lie to themselves and everyone else around them saying that sex isn't that big of a deal and then give it out like candy? How can women then expect men to want more than a quick "hit and run"? It baffles me. Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of being that woman. I was losing weight and I felt good and I wore a short short skirt, super high heels, and a shirt that was way too tight for me. I danced around in clubs like I had nothing to lose, thrusting, and moving like all I was missing was a pole...and sadly this was when I was already engaged with a man who loved me and treated me right. I watched girls let men dance with them like they were having sex right there on the dance floor. I heard girls talk about hooking up with guys they just met and I then watched girls drink themselves into a mess and then cry about how this guy they've been sleeping with for two weeks slept with another girl he met at a bar.

Why did female empowerment turn into who can wear the more scandalous clothing and defend it? Why can't we wear great looking clothing that isn't laying it all out on a platter for every man to oggle over and still know we look great? Why can't we take a deep breath and hold our sexuality back not because our mom told us so but because its so much power and it weeds out the duds? When women only hold sex back for 5 dates guys really don't have to work very hard at all if you think about it. Even if a girl waits 6 months its still not asking for a whole lot. Just think, not too long ago the majority of women would make a man wait till he stepped up, committed for life and only then he would get it. How did being sexually compatible become more important than respect?

Oh don't worry I know girls have needs, trust me. I am not immune or blind to exactly what those needs are and, oh my, how overwhelming they are. Even so, is self control so hard to come by? Also I understand that back in the day there were plenty of marriages that were terrible but society looked down on separation so much that people endured these situations. That isn't good either and I would never condone that. There are always those guys who refuse to be men and that is something we can't change no matter how much self control we have or how much we ask of them. But do you really think in today's day and age when men can watch sex for free on the internet, go find woman who are so insecure they will sleep with a man they hardly know and pay for sex on the corner of the shady streets that a boy who refuses to be a man will wait around for a girl who respects herself enough to keep a lid on it till there's commitment? Do we really think that we just want a casual thing with a guy when the great majority of what I have seen from women is that casual sex is the last thing they want? why do we do it? I know I wanted sex so much before I was married and I even considered just giving up on holding out. I get it. But I don't understand all the lies that women claim today now that they are sexually free. Seems to me that Free Love is anything but free.

I'm not sure how to describe the overwhelming sense of sadness that has taken up residence by my side the last few weeks. I can't seem to shake it for more than a day or so at a time and then its back like a cat that you just can't get rid of. It sits there nudging me just to remind me that, yes, it is there. I feel like crying so much of the time even when I am laughing because, well, that laugh is hollow and false. this isn't how its always been but lately its my reality that I hate. I don't know what to do. I am so lost

a complete inspiration

I just watched this video that made me cry. it is amazing, i'm not the only one out there. What was I thinking!? Of course I'm no the only one dealing with being fat. If you are reading this and hear it with an angry voice, you are in the right. I am angry. I am angry with myself for letting myself go so far. I am angry that I have barfed excuses all over the place because I was just too lazy to get off my fat but and do something! come on! So this is my resolution. Next summer I want to post a video response to this one with astonishing results. I am done being that fat girl. I am done going through bouts of depression because I have no defined chin and I look like a few stacked marshmallows. This is where it ends. One step at a time and the first step is being fed up enough to where i will actually do something about this.

Still here

so I just realized how long it has been since I have posted...yeah. Sorry for the long and prolonged silence. I will attempt to get better at posting on here for any of you that still read it. I am now living In Idaho but am looking to be moving soon...again. but till then this is my home. my sister just had another baby, a baby boy. we love him very much and I must say he is the cutest baby ever. My brother, Justus, is going to be wed to my best friend here on the 14th of February. that is really all the news in my life. I will try and elaberate later when I am not falling asleep on my keyboard.

I am actually sitting in my closet right now waiting for a tornado warning to pass. the lights just went out and it is reather sureal sitting here waiting not knowing what will happen next. I am glad I can write right now because if I had to sit here and just wait I would go mad. anyway just a little update from me her in Texas

Please Pray

Last night while talking to my Mom ont he phone I reacieved some very hard news. one of our family friends died not too long ago and it has been very hard. She was an elderly woman but it just didn't seem like she would be gone so soon. If you are reading this and you know me please pray for me. I have lost several lost ones in the past year and this doesn't make it easier. Please pray also for her husband, Jack. thank you :)